You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
