please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
