I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
