this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
