you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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