I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
