I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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