the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
