I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize