Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
