Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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