Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
