Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
