remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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