Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
