Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
