Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
