please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
