I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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