If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
