Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
