Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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