I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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