you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
