I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
