I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
