My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
