my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this beer tastes like vomit already
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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