Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
