Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize