so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
