I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i now understand why vodka
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
