Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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