Jerry, you need to find god
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
