he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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