Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
God, I missed his penis.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
