youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
