I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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