a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I met the friendliest cop last night
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
smell my finger.
Less talking, more tequila
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
