Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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