Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
