I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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