I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
