Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
