I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
