M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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