i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
