He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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