this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
