Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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