I can text with my tongue
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
