whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
