Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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