cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
