this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
