he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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