I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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