Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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