Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
