i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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