Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
