I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
